Too Hot To Be Arrested: The Christmas Story of a Freeloader With Chips
by pass-on-overtime
Summary: "What do you want, idiot rooster-head?" he asked, leaning against the doorway and blowing smoke into the face of the man who had been knocking. "It's Christmas Eve, don't you have somewhere better to be?" - Neighbors AU, Modern AU


A/N: Okay, so it's June. And then I go and write a Christmas fic... In my defense - it's cold as balls in the house and in NZ it's winter, so... It's justified.  
(What's lame is that they don't have any snow in NZ.)

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"Saitou! Oi! Open up!" Loud incessant banging on his door. "I know you're in there, shitty cop! Lemme in! Oi!"

At first, he was too absorbed in his work to hear the disturbance outside.

"Oi! Saitou! If you don't lemme in, I'm gonna break your door!"

It was Sanosuke. Again. Ever since the loud-mouthed man had moved in next door two years ago, Saitou never got a moment of peace. Saitou sighed, rubbed his forehead, took off his glasses and set the copy of a criminal file aside to get up to answer the door to his apartment. "What do you want, idiot rooster-head?" he asked, leaning against the doorway and blowing smoke into the face of the man who had been knocking. "It's Christmas Eve, don't you have somewhere better to be?"

Sanouske coughed and waved a hand in front of his face, dispelling the tobacco smoke. "Oi! Asshole!" he snapped, raising his middle finger in his usual greeting.

"You know, threatening to break my door is not the way to go about things if you want something from me," Saitou said, looking bored. "As I've told you time and time again. And no, you can't borrow my blender – I don't have one, as I've told you time and time again."

"First of all – yeah, I know what time it is, 's why I'm at your door – and second, I don't need your shitty blender, anyway. Third, you always open the door anyways! What's that saying, 'love your neighbor'?" Sanosuke stopped, tapping his finger against his forehead. "No, 's not it…" he glared at Saitou's smirk, "And don't say anythin' weird. …Basically – I'm here, shitty cop."

"I was busy working, you realize," Saitou said. "If you're going to stand here and spout useless things, I'm going to go now." He made a show of closing the door.

Sanosuke jammed his sneakered foot in the doorway to stop the door from closing. "Oi! Damn you, you old wolf! Lemme finish what I'm sayin'!" he held up a large, colorful bag of chips. "I brought chips!"

"Chips?" For a moment, Saitou relaxed his hold on the door, wondering why on earth Sanosuke would have chips at his door when it was- Oh, it was already ten, he had been working for quite a while – ever since six.

With a grin, Sanosuke took advantage of Saitou's short lapse to push past and slip his shoes off at the entryway. He winked.

"I was gonna bring wine, but I don't got any. I think Katsu might've drank it. I got chips, though," he explained. He looked around, eyeing the kitchenette, "Hey, you actually _don't_ have a blender, who knew! I thought you were just bein' an asshole!" He glanced down at the coffee table littered with paperwork and criminal files. "…Wah. You never quit workin' _do_ you? It's Christmas Eve an' 'nstead 'f spendin' it with like, a girlfriend or somethin', you're workin'? C'mon! Have some fun, loosen up!" he shook his head and grinned at Saitou, then threw himself down on the couch with a contented sigh. "'S warm here – I f'rgot t' pay f'r heatin' so it's cold as fuck at my place."

Saitou snorted. "You're certainly making yourself at home, aren't you, idiot."

"Well, who the hell told you to just stand there in the doorway, go an' sit down!" retorted Sanosuke. He leaned further back and unzipped his hoodie, sighing.

" _Thank_ you for your hospitality," muttered Saitou acidly.

"'S warm, but stinks like cigarettes." Sanosuke ignored him, sighing contentedly again, and closing his eyes. "You got no pictures on the walls either. I bet if you had t' get up an' move out, you'd only have like, one box of shit."

Saitou said nothing to that and sat down on the floor, leaning his back against the couch, going through papers – studiously ignoring Sanosuke. He stubbed his cigarette out and lit another one, slipping his glasses back on.

But Sanosuke refused to be ignored. "Oi. C'mon. It's Christmas Eve and you're gonna _work_? You ain't even gonna entertain your guest?" He opened the bag of chips and absentmindedly ate a few. "Want some or nah?"

"I don't see you doing anything interesting or celebratory either. As for entertainment, if that's what you expected – you can promptly see yourself out." Saitou reached into the bag that Sanosuke offered him and ate a chip. They weren't bad, but potato chips weren't really his thing.

"Well, Christmas 's kinda couple's holiday, isn't it? I got no girlfriend, or _boy_ friend, f'r that matter – an' Kenshin an' the group've gone t' Kyoto, so I'm here all alone."

Marking down the tidbit of information, 'Sagara Sanosuke is possibly in want of a boyfriend,' Saitou snorted. "Not exactly. You came to bother me, didn't you?"

"Yeah well, two single guys eatin' chips on Christmas Eve… It makes me feel better 'bout myself."

Underneath the bit of information he had just recorded, he added, 'Don't forget: probably does not apply to me'. Saitou snorted again but said nothing, reaching into the bag and taking another chip. Finally, he set down his papers and gathered them into a stack, setting his glasses on top of the pile. "Why chips?" he finally asked.

Sanosuke shrugged and dropped down to sit on the floor beside Saitou. "Dunno. 'S all I had. Better 'n turnin' up with nothin' right?" he made for the TV remote that sat on the far armrest of the couch, climbing slightly over Saitou in an uncomfortable but slightly risqué way.

"Oi. Stop draping yourself over me, idiot," grumbled Saitou, reaching around Sanosuke and taking more chips.

"Ah, don' flatter yourself, I wanna watch some TV," muttered Sanosuke, not looking at Saitou. He pointed the remote at the TV and began to flip through channels. "Oh, I remember that show when I was a kid!" he exclaimed as he came across a rerun of some nineties anime. "Ugh, nature programs are real gross," he muttered. He continued flipping through until Saitou confiscated the remote and stopped on a Christmastime romantic drama.

"Shut up and just watch something, already."

"Not _this_ , though, 's _cheesy_!" whined Sanosuke, just as the woman on screen dramatically threw a hand over her face and sobbed theatrically.

"Yukichi! You do not love me as I love you! My heart… I feel it is ripping apart! Do you not remember the day I told you of my feelings for you-"

"Aw, give it a rest, lady," Sanosuke told her. "Yukichi's an asshole anyway, he's gonna leave you for Reiko in the next twenty minutes, Hana-chan. You would be _so_ much better off with Ryousuke. You know. The guy who actually _cares_ 'bout you."

Saitou looked with amusement over at Sanosuke. "You've watched this many times before, haven't you."

"Shut up," embarrassedly muttered the younger man.

"What? An image to keep up?" mercilessly teased Saitou, reaching for more chips.

Sanosuke scowled at him and held the bag just out of reach. "Oi, don' be an asshole, otherwise no more chips."

"What a terrible prospect," Saitou said dryly. He stood up and opened the fridge, looking through it for something, anything that would count as dinner. Leftover soba from the Akabeko down the street? Three large cases of beer that Tokio had left in his fridge two years ago and didn't bother to take with her after the divorce? A bundle of something that vaguely looked like spring onions? Bread that looked vaguely passable? He could make do.

From the couch, Sanosuke crunched on chips. "Oi, you got 'nythin' f'r me?"

"Freeloader," Saitou grumbled.

"Hey – I brought chips!"

"And that somehow means you're exempt from being called a freeloader? Fine. You're a freeloader with chips."

"…I guess that's better," Sanosuke said with a laugh.

A while later, they sat on the couch, cradling cold beers and watching a popular detective show. Sanosuke seemed to be really getting into it, sitting forward so that he was almost falling from the couch. "Oi, oi! I know who did it!" he said. Pointing at the man on the screen with a finger covered in chip dust and salt, he turned to Saitou with an assured grin. "That one! The guy with the dyed hair! He's shifty as fuck!"

"No," Saitou disagreed. "It's the Westerner woman. The American exchange student. What's her name… Rachel?"

"No! Rachel-chan's _hot_!" Sanosuke argued. "Plus, she doesn't look strong enough to stab a guy in the head!"

"Tch." Saitou shook his head. "Idiot. Her looks have nothing to do with anything. And she _is_ strong enough. Did you miss the part where they said she had a Japanese scholarship because she was a swimmer? Swimmers have powerful arm muscles."

Sanosuke shook his head, grinning. "Oi, you're a total detective."

"I _wonder_ why," Saitou muttered. "It couldn't _possibly_ be because it's my job."

"Aw, quit it with the sarcasm, the detective-man's gonna pick out the _real_ killer," Sanosuke slapped Saitou's arm impatiently.

However, Saitou was right (as usual). It _was_ the American exchange student and Sanosuke swore, glaring at Saitou. "Oi, but she was _hot_! I mean, the guy wasn't bad-looking by half – but she was a _bombshell_."

"Idiot."

"But you gotta admit, that guy was pretty shifty."

"That's the point. In these kinds of movies it's always the person you least expect. The one who's acting all creepy is usually _not_ the one," Saitou explained.

"Rachel-chan was too hot to be arrested," huffily proclaimed Sanosuke, folding his arms.

"Idiot," Saitou said. "If you don't stop saying idiotic things, I might come up with a reason to arrest _you_."

"I'm too hot to be arrested too, though!" Sanosuke protested with a grin.

Saitou snorted, mentally agreeing (about the 'hot' part, not the other part). "As if."

"Oi!"

He looked up at the clock. It was five minutes to midnight.

Sanosuke looked to the clock also. "…So, Saitou, what's your Christmas wish gonna be?"

"Huh?"

"Isn't it a thing? You're supposed t' make a wish on midnight at Christmas!"

"Never heard of such a thing," Saitou said. "Sounds stupid."

Sanosuke snorted. "That's because you never have any fun."

"Oi."

"What? I'm just tellin' the truth!" Sanosuke evaded a poke to the side and fell off the couch onto the floor.

Saitou looked down at him and casually threw a pillow at him. "Just make your 'Christmas Wish' already and leave me alone."

Sitting up, Sanosuke hugged the pillow and rested his chin on it, looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. "Uh… I wish that… Next Christmas – I'll be spending it with my date."

Irritated, Saitou lit a cigarette. "Tch."

"…So, what's your wish?" Sanosuke asked.

Annoyedly blowing out a stream of smoke in the young man's direction, Saitou leaned back on the couch and looked up at the clock that now was two minutes to twelve. "I wish that _your_ wish comes true and that next Christmas, you'll leave me in peace – chips or no chips."

Sanosuke stood up and threw his pillow suddenly at Saitou. "Oi!" he growled. "Asshole." He leaned over and stole the cigarette from Saitou's mouth, taking a drag from it himself. Slightly red in the face, he glared. "Your wish made no sense, shitty cop, make another one."

"Hm. The whole idea is stupid, of course – such a thing just doesn't make sense in the first place. I suppose this is what I get for humoring you."

"Your dumb wish's contradictin' _my_ one, you shitty cop! Hurry up, you're almost outta time!" Sanosuke exclaimed.

Finally realizing what Sanosuke meant, Saitou smirked, mentally releasing a 'breath' he hadn't realized he was holding. "Well, then. I suppose I wish that _next_ time, you actually make some effort and bring something better than a bag of the cheapest chips available."

It was exactly midnight.

Sanosuke looked at him, then began to laugh. "That was so _la-ame_! You _cheesy_ old wolf- Whoa!"

Saitou threw the pillow back at him. "Hypocrite," he grumbled. "Give me my cigarette back."

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A/N: Thanks for reading! (and being able to stand how dumb this was - I just really like this kind of a chill-with-each-other SaiSa and I really want snow like back home...)


End file.
